Turning Tragedy into Triumph

Tonight, I sit here around midnight, unable to sleep for some reason. I am physically exhausted but restless at the same time. I am thinking about what it means to be "tested" and "tried" in this life. In life you always here of those brave people that have overcome incredible odds to achieve or do something great. Joseph Smith, Lance Armstrong, Helen Keller, these are a few people that come to mind, that overcame "the odds" to achieve something great. What qualities did they all posess? Faith, courage, endurance, unwaivering strength of will. The ability to turn tragedy into triumph. To see past the obstacle or challenge to see the end result and have the strength to reach it.
There are ordinary people, who everyday do something extraordinary, they live! They live, with the loss of loved ones, with an addiction they control, with a debilitating illness, with abuse. We all either know or are one of these Brave Souls. The extraordinary people that won't back down when that adversity is staring us in the face. The people that will seize control of our fear and use it to fuel our courage. To forge a fire that blazes in the very depths of our soul, that we may stand strong against our challenges. We all were given an amazing and wonderful gift, when we entered this existence, the freedom to choose. We can choose who and what we are in this life. No one forces us to be a certain way, eventualy we all take control of our own thoughts, actions, well being, and path in life. This power to choose is a blessing but can also be our downfall. If we channel our desires, goals, and dreams, we can achieve anything we want. If we choose to let our emotions, namely fear and anger run our lives then we become a slave to them. We have chosen to give in and not fight for what is truly our intended purpose on this earth, happiness.
There are those that suffer devastating tragedies everyday. (Just turn on your local news if you don't believe this) But each of these victims or families of victims are given the power to choose how they face this adversity. They can let their fear take over their life or they can mourn and face that tragedy everyday and say "I'm not gonna let you beat me...ever!" The people that can get up and say that everyday are truly extraordinary. I am so grateful to have known so many "extraordinary ordinary" people in my life. I have watched loved ones that have beat drug addiction, I have watched loved ones deal with the loss of family and friends, I have seen divorce, abuse, painful personal loss, and I have had personal hardships as well. In these experiences, I have seen someone get to the absolute lowest they can go, they've been hit harder than they ever imagined possible, and yet they rise up, they stare their fear and anger and pain in the face and say "I'm not gonna let you beat me...ever!" They have chosen to turn tragedy into triumph. They have chosen to do something extraordinary! they have chosen to live! I once heard someone say " It's not about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit, and fall down, and then you get back up!" How true is that statement? It really is the hardest times in our life that allow us to show what we're really made of and how hard we can get "hit" and get back up and stare your challenge in the face.
I am so grateful for all of the hard times in my life, they have shown me what I am made of and how hard I can get hit and get back up. I have stared adversity in the face and have fought it every day. I now stare Cancer in the face everyday and I say "I'm not gonna let you beat me...ever!" I have made my choice, I will fight forever if necessary.
What choice will you make? Will you give into fear and cower before adversity, or will you stand and face it and say "I'm not gonna let you beat me...ever!" Will you turn tragedy, even a small tragedy into triumph? I truly hope you will!

Life as a Stay Home Dad and Husband

Well, it's official for the next three months I am a Full time Dad, Husband and Cancer fighter. I finished the first round of Chemo and was going to return to work for two weeks, but my body wasn't going to cooperate. I was exhausted, ornery, and not much fun to be around. I wasn't even able to get up for more than ten minutes, before I had to sit down. So I decided to investigate my options a bit more and try to find a solution. I called up the HR department and asked if I qualified for Short term Disability, I did so I had the paperwork mailed out, and eventually had to have it faxed in order to speed up the process. So Shana and I sat down and revised our budget, and made a plan for our next few months that will allow us to live comfortably and frugally at the same time. Well, after a few days of exhaustion, my strength and appetite returned and now I am just about normal. (other than the fact I don't sleep a whole lot at night) But all I can say is how much of a blessing it has actually been to be at home so much, I am spending so much time with my family and never realized how much I missed out on when I was at work all day. Brayden and Daxton are so much fun to play with all day, and it's nice to be able to spend time with them. There is however one downside to staying home, and that is that I am so restless. I am used to having at least a dozen projects on my desk and to always being busy. At first the slower pace was nice, but now I am constantly restless and always have to be doing something. I am finding tedious and somewhat monotonous projects so exciting now because they keep me busy. I have probably re-organized everything in our house this week and have been deep cleaning everything. It is very refreshing and exciting to get so much done at home. I feel like I'm working for myself and not for my company right now. I have been an avid reader this whole time too. I have read Lance Armstrong's book " It's not about the bike", a truly inspirational read ( I fully recommend this to anyone), I have been an internet junkie, reading anything and everything about cancer and cancer survivorship. I have nbeen working in my cancer journal from the Lance Armstrong Foundation (a gift from Shana's mom Chris) , and I have been reading a variety of other books and magazines. I also have been trying to read my scriptures daily. ( I find that they are the best source of comfort and inspiration) So life with cancer is different, but I actually think it is a blessing because I am focused solely on what matters most, my family. They are my life not cancer!

Chemo (Not what I expected)

Well chemo has started. I'm taking 2 drugs, Cisplatin and Etoposide, the main side effects are hair loss and fatigue. Fatigue has manifested itself early, on the first day I was dead tired by the time we got home, I didn't want to move. I went in the first day and was all "gung-ho" to beat cancer. Well about 4 pokes of the IV needle later (and some bruising) I wasn't so sure this was gonna be so great. So I decided that I would have a PICC line inserted. So day 2 I went down to the Radiology Dept. and had one put in. Now, it sounds easy but it was actually a very painful procedure and I am still sore tonight. But it's natural to be sore for a couple days they said. So I went to chemo for the second time today and am hapy to report that I have only been exhausted for 5 hours today, I am sore from the PICC line and everything I eat has a metallic aftertaste. Oh and I forgot to mention I've been to the bathroom about 15 times today! So chemo is everything I hoped it would be! I can't wait for a new chemo adventure tomorrow!

Introductions

I might as well introduce myself to get things going here. I am Jake Gardner born Jacob H Gardner to Jeff and Kelly Gardner. I was fortunate to have been born to two amazing parents that taught me to work hard, love passionateley and to be the best that I know how to be. I'm the oldest of 8 kids and I now have 3 step sisters, and 1 stepbrother. My parents were divorced when I was 12, but luckily they're both re-married and I have a wonderful stepmom and stepdad. I was married to the love of my life on October 10, 2006. Her name is Shana and she is my everything. Without her I am nothing, she even saved my life. Seriously, about two months ago I found a lump on my left testicle, and as any guy would, I just decided it was nothing and that it would go away after a day or two. Well it didn't go away, and I told Shana about it. She made a doctor's appointment, and the next thing I knew I was in the office getting checked out. I was immediately scheduled for an ultrasound, and that was not promising. The radiologist sent the scans off to the doctor immediately. I was then referred to a Urologist, as soon as the nurse practicioner felt the lump and saw the scans, he said "It's cancer". My heart seriously stopped. I better back up here. I have always been crazy, fearless and I did everything faster than I should've. Some people called it recklessness, I call it being addicted to life. I was never afraid of anything and I never thought much about my own well being. That being said, those few words stopped me dead in my tracks! How could this be happening? I was in my prime, a new step dad, a new husband and so happy in my life. I was in great shape, probably the best shape I've ever been in. It was unbelievable, I was not supposed to have cancer, I felt fine. So the next day I went in for a Radical Orchietomy (testicle removal surgery). I was kind of hoping that would be the end of my "Cancer Story" but I had just tipped the iceberg. The cancer had spread to my lymph nodes, so on Dec.21,2006 (exactly one month after my first surgery) I did something I never thought I would ever do. I went to the Hospital to stay overnight(actually three days). Well after a successful surgery, a wicked scar, and terrorizing the nurses for a few sleepless nights they decided I should probably go home (more for the nurse's sakes than for mine). I went home and celebrated the best Christmas ever! It was so much fun, I had a blast watching the boys open their presents and having family come visit all day. Well, I was thinking that my bout with cancer was over, but I couldn't have more wrong! We went to the Urologist to have my staples removed and I had another blood draw ( these were beginning to become a routine). Well my tumor markers ( chemicals in the blood that are indication of testicular cancer) should have been going down to normal. We would find out that they hadn't at all. My doctor said we should meet with an Oncologist just to discuss treatment options. We met with Dr. Bott to discuss "treatment", he said well either we do another blood draw and see what the marker levels were, or just do Chemo as a precaution. I opted for a blood draw. He said he'd call me the next day with the results. They came "the markers had almost doubled". So I would start chemo on monday. So cancer wasn't done with me. But I think it's the other way around, I wasn't done with cancer, cause there's no way cancer is gonna win this fight. And I love a good fight! So thats me! I know it sounds like cancer is the main focus, right now and truthfully it is! It has come in and totally changed our life so right now I'll probably ramble on about it quite a bit. Sorry but it's something that I've come to realize is here for a while and it needs to be beat.